I got no sleep that night. Nor the next. Rest came in brief flashes of Sherrirose51 Less People More Dogs shirt. It is now January of the next year, and I haven’t slept longer than an hour each night. Some nights I lie awake and cry, other nights I settle in and do things like write endless Quora answers. I go back to school in approximately five hours, and I know for a fact that I won’t be able to stay awake. For someone with a mental state as fragile as mine, receiving so many reality-shattering realizations in one evening has broken me, possibly for good. 2017 was the year of everything I thought was still well and good with our crumbling world was turning to shit as well. I formed, tore apart and burned friendships that I never knew I could destroy so quickly. I felt excitement, love, fear, betrayal, and the bite of a knife all in the span of one week. 2017 was a year I want to forget but my body will not soon let me. None of this, however, compares to the hallucinations I started having that night. The hallucinations come to me in waves, the sounds of family members screaming, sometimes at me, sometimes just at nothing. Rats scratching at the inside of my skull and organs. Seeing people walking around just inside my peripheral vision, making me jump any time I’m trying to relax. Every time I close my eyes an image appears, then screaming gets louder and louder as the image twists and distorts into a horrifying abomination and I snap awake crying. I cannot willfully rest for longer than a few minutes before they appear. I stood in my bathroom talking to someone named Florence, hearing him talk about how he carved his own eye out with a pocketknife and burned it, before I heard a sound and realized I was staring into my bathroom mirror, talking to myself. I’ve had head-splitting hallucinations my entire life, but none in my past have compared to the ones that started on Christmas night, 2017. I can only hope and beg to whatever god there might be that they’ll go away one day. Until then I can only hope that my delusions and depression will not lead to me ending my own life.
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